Fast forward 9 years after D-day (diagnosed day), I am still here fat and unhealthy. It wasn’t my intention to treat myself so poorly. The lack of motivation was scary. With this invisible chronic illness, there wasn’t any imminent danger I had to resolve. Now, 5 years into my wonderful marriage, we can no longer keep putting off making a wonderful family. I knew this wonderful couple bubble will eventually burst. I just didn’t care to know how long or was the eager party to make it pop. I love kids, adore them, enjoy being with them. Though, the thought of having to push them out of my vagina, the pain, not to mention the embarrassment of pooping on the table in front of doctor and nurses (and my HUSBAND!!) has been bouncing inside my brain going, ARE YOU CRAZY??!!?!

Now that I know it is time to make it happen, I’ve began to focus on what needs to be done. I regularly (once a year) see my pcp up north before moving South to be closer with my sister’s family. Therefore it was important to get my medical team down here as well. I started with a pcp, then an endocrinologist, kidney doctor, and soon dietician and obgyn. I got lucky, everyone so far has been extremely helpful. They have given me the right amount of push and information to decide this fork in the road.

Have kids or not to have kids. Oh man, that is the question. I have always been scare of the pain that comes with giving birth, but I wasn’t going to NOT do it because of it. But now, after speaking with my kidney doctor….I grew up just that much more. I’ve been told by people before that I’m mature for my age, old soul etc. It is because of product of life lessons that made me the way I am. I have to say, I wasn’t prepared for this. I am not trying to be dramatic. I am not dying of some cancer or loosing one of my senses. However now knowing that something I should have a choice, it may not be a viable choice any longer. I’ve been told to research kidney disease, proteinuria, preeclampsia, diabetes and pregnancy to further understand the problem I could face. As we all know, internet is a rabbit hole. Once you jump in, it just goes deeper and deeper. For those that know me, I’m pretty much a pessimistic. But you can put a positive spin on it and say, “HEY! I am just trying to be prepared by knowing what could happen and know how I will react and respond if and when it happens.”

So?? Now what? I have to wait for the 11 tests that my kidney doc ordered for me, schedule an echo and also do this 24hr urine test. Yay, yippy. How did I go from being deathly afraid of doctors to know just accepting my fate? Well, my friend. I’ve learned to face my fears and be in peace with it. I am not longer that scrawny little asian girl who would cry at the sight of a needle. I need to wait and see if anything else is causing my kidney to fuss and go from there. May or may not have a kidney biopsy. And after that the doc will have a plan of attack. Looking on the bright side, I got my A1c from 9.9 to 7.6 in 3 months. Doc wants me to be at least 6.5 to even start thinking about trying. Oh did I mention I have high blood pressure, and a bit high cholesterol. Not only my genes are gunning for me, I am no real help for myself. I look at my nephew and keep thinking, “oh man, if only I ate veggies and fruits like he is at his age, I may turn out different.” Here I am now, can’t regret, because what can it do? Nothing. So I am pledging myself for a healthier me. A happier me. I am only 1.1 away from my a1c goal. I believe I am strong enough to go through with it all. It all sounds fine and dandy right? It is if I don’t lack self control. I can be good for 5 days, and then go binge on korean bbq(and not even the good kind). So I have my work cut out for me. And my poor husband whom I’ve slowly tugged pass the line into foodism. He also has to work hard and eat healthier as well.

Now it is truly time to learn what I need to stand up for, and what to let go.